Saturday, 27 February 2010

The Home Front

It’s my 100th post! How exciting! And to mark the occasion my lovely husband and adorable children have offered to write a guest post. They’ve made me a cup of tea and say I’ve got to put my feet up and watch Match of the Day. Wow! I wonder what they’re going to write…..

Nine months ago we had a wife and mother. Then she got a book deal and started reinventing herself. She began banging on about social networking and building a platform.
And now we have an addict on our hands.
She says she’s just going to spend five minutes checking her messages, and two hours later she’s staring vacantly at the screen, flicking mindlessly between Facebook, Twitter and
What’s more she scoffs at a serious professional networking site like LinkedIn, claiming it’s ‘boring’. Well, what’s so interesting about looking at Facebook to discover that Gillian Philip’s had a cup of coffee or Fiona Dunbar’s eating an banana?

I can’t even complain, because I know that her years of journalistic experience will enable her to twist my words and report them in her Facebook status for her hundreds of new ‘friends’ to laugh at. It’s like living in the Big Brother house. Or with Julie Myerson. And on Facebook she’s started calling me ‘The H’ which apparently is her new pals’ code word for ‘bumbling idiot’.
If we’re watching something on television - even football - she’s constantly tapping away on her laptop, tweeting inane comments to her mates on Twitter - completely ignoring her family. All we get is the occasional burst of laughter as she responds to some puerile tweet - or a request to help with the spelling of words like ‘Fabregas’ and ‘Avatar’.
Sometimes we manage to drag her out of the house, for a bracing walk on Hampstead Heath. Within minutes though she’s nicked my BlackBerry and is dragging her feet, trying to catch up with the social life of a couple of rodents. Thank goodness our guinea pigs are - so far - not on Facebook.
The blog is the worse. Not only has the amassing of followers fed her not inconsiderable ego, but the amount of housework and administration that we are expected to do has steadily grown.
Everything that happens to us is fodder for the blog. A visit from the police at midnight? ‘Pure blog gold’ according to Keren. ‘Shame they didn’t break the door down,’ she added, ‘That would’ve been more dramatic. Shall I pretend they did anyway?’

When we point out that all this creative energy would be better poured into paid work she just shrugs and says ‘One day it will pay for itself. You'll see,’ So far there's no sign of this fantasy coming true. She probably thinks she's going to get spotted by a newspaper editor who'll make her the new Jan Moir. Well, somehow I doubt that even Keren could reach the required level of offensiveness, although she does her best.
Worse, she claims to have made new friends through all this computer activity. What an appalling example for the children. One minute she’s warning them about stranger danger on the internet. The next she’s firing off emails to people with dodgy pseudonyms like PoodlePowered and MrsBung. Mrs Bung. I ask you. Probably a hairy old pervert drooling over his webcam.
She’s even embarked on a lengthy correspondence with an unsavoury character who calls himself Fish. I’m pretty broad-minded - I have to be - but what husband wants his wife writing emails to a Liverpool supporter?
Apparently she was drawn into this addiction by someone known only as ‘Candy Gourlay’ - clearly an assumed name – who runs an innocuous looking website which lures unsuspecting children’s authors into a web of ‘social networking’. I’ve done a bit of digging on this ‘Candy’s’ background and my theory is that she is trying to distract other authors by getting them hooked on blogging and the like while she writes brilliant books herself with little competition.
Anyway, I’m appealing to you ‘followers’. Please stop feeding this sad woman’s addiction. Don’t read her blog. Don’t tell your friends about it. Instead, buy her book. Then she’ll get the idea that she’s much better off spending her time writing a new one.

That’s all from me. Now the kids want their say.

Duh! Why did you write so much? No one will read all that boring stuff. No offence Dad, but you know nothing about the internet. You don’t even know what OMG stands for. Or LOL or LMAO or G2G…
Anyway. It’s very simple. Mum is embarrassing us. She posts stupid pictures on Facebook and claims they are of us. She writes stupid stuff in her blog, claiming to be true stories about us…even though she has PROMISED not to.
Well, she’s not getting away with it any longer. She doesn’t realise that we know much much more about computers than she does. We’ve hacked her accounts. We know her (pathetically weak) passwords. We’re stripping out her Facebook account, disabling her tweets. And as for this blog -


  1. Hey! Nothing dodgy about the PoodlePowered pseud! Er humn...

    Hilarious! You should let them loose more often!

  2. LOL! LMAO PMSL, this is brilliant. Well, I'm still going to read all of this great author's blogs/tweets/FBupdates AND books, so... *shrug*
    Sorry. :)

  3. Sounds suspiciously like you.... But good fun anyway!

  4. OMG (ogling Mike Gatting) if that really was your H (loving life partner) and D or S (best children in the world) then they too should take up writing for the money....

  5. At last! Something sensible on here... See if you can get them to write books, too.

  6. This is one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time. Every line had me laughing. So familiar. Love the inverted commas round 'friends' and the Jan Moir line. I read this on my iPhone in a pub toilets last night (proving I am as addicted as you - except I couldn't do this kind of post because the only one who's affected is Mildred, my cat, and she can't write).
    The Unsavoury One

  7. This is absolutely brilliant. Though I did think you were a bit harsh on poor Mrs Bung, who though I've personally not met her (that's social networking for you), is really very lovely.
    PS I have bought the book - does that mean I can stay friends with Keren - assuming *she* does really exist...

  8. This is so funny. Makes me feel really guilty for checking Twitter in the ad breaks when I'm watching TV with hubby. You've inspired me to not look at Twitter tonight. But for now, I'm still checking all my favourite author blogs. Really hope Keren is writing the second book because I REALLY want to read it.

  9. OK, am de-following right this second... As if!
    Great post, but of course I don't recognize this sort of addiction. I don't have a problem. Nope. Not me. I can go, ooh, literally minutes without checking twitter.

  10. hahaha.

    great post!

    And, no I don't have an addiction. No SIREE.

  11. Hey H--it could be worse. Keren could be like me and call you the Wanton Toast Eater (that's my H). And I'm with Absolute Vanilla--you are a little hard on poor mrsbung who is an innocent pearl of delight and not a hairy old pervert (at least I THINK she isn't...I haven't met her either...Oh God...perhaps she IS). Am afraid I am another one of the deluded authors addicted to doing this Very Important Author Platform Thingy--and a lot of it IS that Candy Gourlay's fault. Er...has Keren confessed about the virtual tweetpartying yet? If not, I'm afraid you may be in for a shock. Damn. Haven't checked Twitter for at least five minutes...and I need to write a blog...and Facebook.... You lot should definitely take over more often--give Keren a chance to do some Real Work. Or watch the football.

    Lucy @

  12. Hello Followers! Haven't had a chance to read the H's efforts yet (although nice to see he's got a few comments,bless) as I've been dealign with a little hacking crisis. Have asked the kids to help me solve it...mentioned that I'd have to make all my passwords top secret, including the one for iTunes. I'm sure everything will be back to normal soon..byeee...

  13. DIAMOND! Absolutely brilliant - laughed MAO. Face is aching with strain of smiling too much...

    The Hairy Pervert
    MRS BUNG x

  14. Love it :) Very brave of you to let them loose like this.

    Mariam Vossough

  15. Brilliant - very funny. I daren't let my own family see this (looks furtively over shoulder)...

  16. Brilliant! Brilliant! so perceptive about the hairiness of mrs bung and my luring authors into social networking. i was the last one to comment ... because i've been away from the internet, writing!

  17. Ha ha – love it! Although if your H had ever seen any of my statuses, he'd know they are all incredibly witty and/or informative, and not about bananas.

  18. Well and can you imagine Gillian posting anything as boring as 'had a cup of coffee'? She's too busy beating pheasants to death with her bare hands (or was it peasants? Can't quite remember)

  19. Noooo don't hurt the blog! Great post and congrats on reaching the hundred

    Kate xx

  20. I take it husband and children have read your book? Cos it's brilliant and will make lots of money :D (I'm ever optimistic...)

  21. This is hilarious, and kind of makes me feel bad about all the time I spend online. Although I actually don't get how people can *not* be addicted to this stuff. Oh, and please don't become the next Jan Moir!

  22. One of your best posts ever, especially the "kids" bit, that really had me laughing.

  23. Great post. I wonder what many of our partners, husbands, wives, families would say if asked about our blogging or writing habits. Probably not as entertainingly as this.

  24. Oh Keren this was hilarious! Glad to see that the writing talent runs in the family, though I think they all used a lot of unnecessary words when they could have just saved themselves some time and said what they really mean - that they are very proud of you!

    Rapunzel x

  25. LMAO! One of the best posts ever! ;) <3

  26. Yesterday my daughter (17)was browsing my Facebook on my Blackberry and asked if she could frape me. (I said no).

    So there's that, Keren;s kids.

    Or you could start your own blog, in which you studiously ignore your mum's sad old-person life and harp on constantly about your own crucial dramas, which is what my 17-year old did (when she was about 14, bit busy now with A levels.)
    You can read it here:

    Don't bother hunting for details on any aspect of being an author's child, your eyes will get worn out looking.